I have had numerous conversations with young ladies in their late 20s to early 30s who were looking for partners, and one sentiment that came up was that it is tough to find a man to marry in a city like Nairobi.
When I deep dive these gals on their expectations from men, some have normal expectations; others have outrageous expectations. I am not a woman and have never looked for men romantically, even as friends. My current close friendships just happened incidentally; they were not intentional. Some people are very intentional with whom they bring into their lives.
So, how easy or difficult is it to find a husband in a typical African city? It is not so hard if you are a cutie because I know that men are always promising women things (their undying loyalty, love, gifts, and marriages). Whether they are authentic or empty promises, most men are always ready to offer women things. They are not a challenge at all.
As women claim they can’t find a reliable man to marry, many men on the other side find it hard to get a quality woman in a city like Nairobi, Lagos, or Cape Town.
Enter the Haves and Haves Not Husbands
If you want to find something and you don’t know how to and you are struggling to get it with no success, look at those who have it and emulate what they did to get that thing.
How are the women who get married early and on time and with the pick of the litter in men like?
Do they smile more?
Do they dress better?
Do they work out and stay in shape to attract the best suitors?
Have they learned how to be sweet and communicate with men better?
Do they go to the right places to find the best men (networking events, book fairs, weddings, etc.)
Are they ruthlessly screening out crazy men, gay guys, manipulative guys, wild party guys, and time-wasters?
I don’t know what women do to get married, but I am cock sure they will tick some of these boxers. When a man wants to find a good woman, he will check off some of these, too; just change the gender where I have written ‘men’ and replace it with ‘women’ on that list if you are a man.
Whereas I have female friends who are spoken for, I also have those who are not, and I can tell there is a stark difference between those who have husbands and stable boyfriends from the perennial spinsters. When I talk to happily married women, I can tell why they got married. When I encounter those who are not married and aggressively looking for husbands with futility, I am not shocked either. The nice married women act differently; they know how to speak better, present themselves better, and are a bit cool. They have man skills.
What of the good women who are not married? They probably don’t go out or signal men to approach or are too passive. Being a good woman is not enough, you have to put yourself out there for men to approach. men don’t approach because you are super hot and cool, most of the time they approach because you are ‘approachable’. You invite them to approach and allow things to progress.
Some married women also got husbands in college, were introduced to suitors through friends or church groups, or met men in the workplace. Social circle is a great place to get a man. I don’t like social circle game but it can bear fruits if done right.
What of family connections?
Your family can be a good way to meet someone; if you cannot get someone, may be your family can introduce you to potential suitors because in some cultures marriages are arranged by family. However, in my opinion, it is usually embarrassing for family to get in and help you with such things. I can’t imagine my uncles or aunties or parents looking for a wife for me. You have to do these things yourself. You can’t be incompetent to the point where your family must help you get hitched. Understandably, your friends can help you get laid, but family shouldn’t be involved. I find it embarrassing. You must hit the ground and handle social skills when young.
Your dating life is in your hands. The mates you want are just around you only if you can reach out and get them. Alternatively, you can find a female dating coach to show you how to do it. If you need help, ask for it. When I was young, I remember reading a dating newsletter that said that one of the mistakes men struggling with getting dates and girlfriends make is not asking for help.
If you can’t get a husband, check your expectations. Are they manageable, or are they unrealistic? In a city like Nairobi, if you want a very rich young man to marry, you may have difficulty finding one because the sample pool is very small. They are not more than 3000 probably. Most young men in Nairobi who are doing well make around $800 to 2000 dollars a month. Men earning more than that are a bit old and already married with 2 kids. The rich young man you meet might also not be your type or you might not be his type. If you are looking for a husband, there are many things you consider, of course, not just a single issue like money, looks, muscles, education, or a good family.
If your city is not giving you enough choices in terms of your types of mates, then you can change your location. It is all about location, if I want to marry a Latina or a brunette, then I can’t consider Nairobi or Cape town as my hunting ground, I will have to move to a place where Latinas or brunettes are in plenty. In the same way, a young man in Nairobi who wants to marry a conservative, homely woman or a traditional woman can just go to the village and look for a wife or go to the outskirts.
Consider traveling outside your city if you are serious about getting a man to spend the rest of your life with. People change cities to get the careers of their dreams, so why not move if you want to get hitched?
Can’t women approach men?
This is tough for them; women are not wired to approach. If a woman were to approach a man, it wouldn’t be a cold approach. From my experience, women will only approach you in a social circle environment like a workplace, a class, the gym, or school, and even in such scenarios, they don’t do it right. Most men are not good at picking up the subtle signs that women throw at them in these scenarios. I have had women approach it in these environments and it was pretty bad. I have very good experience in making approaches and I have also been approached for many moons so I am good at telling a good approach from a bad one.
A female friend told me to show her how to approach men because she was looking for a husband. I didn’t know how to teach her because, whereas I have experience approaching women, I don’t approach men. I rarely speak to strange men unless they are seated next to me in a bus, class or work or they are my neighbors. She is the type who can approach a man and she told me of an approach she made once to a man and I laughed my ass off. She did it very poorly, she saw a man withdraw money from an agent, and after the man was done, he approached the agent and asked for the man’s number. She then later called the man and they talked and went on a date. She tried at least, it was not the right way but she got what she wanted. The end justifies the means.
A male friend was in my house last weekend and showed me a photo of his female friend, whom he claimed is looking for a husband; the gal looked young, 23 years old. She was a cute nurse; I told my friend, who is married with two kids, to take her as a second wife. He laughed at my proposal. I also told him to consider convincing her to be a baby mama if she can’t get a husband. 23 is very young to be looking for a husband, she still has time to search, she is still in the safe zone, far from no man’s land. I would even go an extra mile to stay it is an impulsive decision to be married at 23, whether for a man or a woman. Anyway, good women get snatched out of the market at that age.
The women looking for husbands don’t want the baby mama offers, women want a sense of belonging. They want to belong to a man and have a house with a man, kids, a dog, and a picket fence. Some want to stay home and take care of the kids as the man sweat it out all day and bring the bread home. With the current breed of ben 10s in Nairobi city who don’t want to work themselves, you might not be a housewife; you shall have to work.
Men in Nairobi or any African city also claim it is hard to get a marriageable gal in a city. Men from Lagos who are in Nairobi would claim Lagos doesn’t have many good girls. One thing with capitals is that they attract ambitious people, some of them with weird intentions and goals. Ambition makes people aim high and have unrealistic goals at times. It could also be that the cities have a lot of options and people get confused about what to pick, it is very easy to be distracted when you have a lot of options and you are not sure which one to pick. You can waste time on prospects that lead to nothing. You can easily waste time dating the wrong man or woman in a city like Nairobi. In such a city, be sure what you want and screen for it ruthlessly. Women from around 27 onwards are a bit realistic in their view of the dating world and ought to know what they want, I don’t expect a woman at that age to be confused about what she needs from a man. So the problem shouldn’t necessarily be not knowing what you want but how to get it.
The dating scene in large metropolitan areas like Nairobi is also very competitive. Unless you have a very high sexual market value, you will find it a tough place to succeed as compared to smaller towns. If you want a top-shelf man in a city like Nairobi, you will have to be very attractive, get in shape, get a sexy hairstyle, and good fashion, hone your communication skills, and then go where these men are. I have never lived in LA but men who have lived there say it is a very competitive city if you want to find a date, this has made men in Los Angeles work extra hard, put on muscles, improve their communication abilities, and have better game in general as compared to men from other cities. I once read somewhere that when Brad Pitt despite his dashing looks was new in Los Angeles, he couldn’t find a date. When I read that around 12 years ago I didn’t understand it till many years later when I started interacting with men who have lived in Los Angeles in forums and they were saying how LA is a competitive spot. There might be truth to those Brad early years rumors.
I believe that people can get what they want if they follow the right procedure, especially if that thing is something that many have and are getting each day. People are getting good men each day, and the women who can’t seem to get them or think they are hard to get might not just be noticing good men around them.
Whatever you do, don’t rush into an important decision like marriage with the first man who offers it because you are husband hunting. It is possible to get married at 24, or 29 or 37 and still make it work. It is also possible to be married at 23 and divorced at 28, I have met gals who were married by 21 and were already divorced by 29. I know of a man who married at 51, the lady is around 40 and they now have a 3 month baby boy. It is thus possible to still pull a turn around on a bad situation at any point in life. There is no rush nor perfect time!
Break a leg!